CHRONICLES OF A DRUG ADDICT.

I dedicate this piece to all the smokers, stoners, khat lovers, mogoka chewers,alcoholics and drug addicts of all kinds.I chose the photo on the left because it is a bad joke.I sincerely hope you will read this to the very end lest you leave this page without the nourishing truth of the matter. It is my joy to see a prisoner freed. "MR.LOCKS??? It cant be!".... well yes. I did get into drugs. I left that prison recently, and I'm on parole but the memories are forever etched in my mind. like a defense mechanism, ensuring I don't fall down that slippery slope. How did I even get there? Well, there I was, an angry nineteen year old who all his life has had no say whatsoever in his own affairs. My childhood, though good, had prolonged episodes of teasing and crying. I learnt early that not everyone is your friend. My teenage life contains memories of loud mouths shouting commands into my ears. So sick was I of people that a snear transfixed itself upon my face. People always talked down AT me and never TO me. I took very few photos of my self during that phase; I didn't want to remember most of it. If I chose to, I'd be homicidal. So I did it to save peoples lives, or so I think. I was like a caged bird. I never had very many friends to top it all up. I was embittered by innumerable issues and to this day, I'm still learning more about myself. I vowed to make my campus life different, and indeed I did..... So there I was in campus with my new found freedom!!! I loved it! didn't have to listen to nobody! nothing bound me to rules and regulations which had smothered me all my life and for one moment, I could actually be myself without coercion or some dark gloomy cloud hanging over me to take away my joy.It was like a breath of fresh air after being locked in a dirty toilet. In my head, a victory band was playing a jubilant chorus with trumpets and drums. Freedom was sweet and NOTHING was going to take it away from me. I was young and full of innovation. There is nothing as dangerous as an angry soldier, armed but devoid of loyalty or obligation; I was likewise. My mind was distended with ideas. I embarked on finding and fulfilling my hearts deepest desires; one at a time in order of descending priorities. I'm not saying I simply plunged into a drug spree, in fact never in my childhood did I foresee myself being an addict. Having been raised in a strict Christian home drugs were the last thing anyone expected of me. Sometimes to recognize how bright the light is, you have to get lost in the darkness; not that you should do stupid things, but having been in darkness, you will appreciate the light. The Bible says and I quote "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6. Ironically there I was departing from the truth. Departing from the straight and narrow path I was so often coerced to follow; I realized I followed not because I wanted to, but because I had to. That is a prison of conscience and will. So I went tasting what the world had to offer. However I still had in my mind the necessity of purpose in this life and a desire to achieve. I just didn't know how things would turn out. The Sub-Woofer I loved music. but I loved BASS. Growing up, I often took public transport. I remember a Matatu called "Soft" back in primary school. There wasn't anything soft about this vehicle. I entered it for the first time and I sat in the back. Underneath lay a sight that would forever change my life. There were Three 12 Inch Pioneer Subwoofers each producing 900Watts > If that sounds like jargon, all I can say is; THAT WAS A LOT OF BASS. The ragga song "Give it to her" by Tanta Metro and Devonte was playing. With every thump of the bass line of the song, everything rattled.I could feel my internal organs vibrate to the point air was being forced out my lungs. I LOVED IT!!! Years later at nineteen years of age my obsession was still burning within. I starved myself so that I could buy Kenwood and Pioneer Subwoofers; my mission was succesful albeit with weight loss.I went on a journey exploring the entire spectrum of Music, From 1960's Jazz , the Dave Brubeck, the Miles Davis, through the Soul of the 70's, The Funk of the 80's, The Old School of the 90's, The NeoSoul,The hip-hop of the 2000's, The trap music, The Crunk, The Techno, The HOUSE music,The Afro-House,the Kwaito,The Deep House, >>> and finally,to the deepest,darkest, dirtiest, grimiest DUBSTEP your ears have ever heard. For those who dont know Dubstep, follow this link, and this one to hear what it sounds like. These recommendations are not to promote Lucifer's music, but to show you a picture of my gradual descent down this spiraling staircase; From smooth Jazz to Dubstep is quite a cliff, but it felt gradual to me because at each step, I became bored of the genre as there was a crescendo in my appetites. Music is arguably one of the most powerful tools in getting to the human spirit;The piano for example transcends language barriers,race, tribe, culture, religion, EVERYTHING. Music is universal. It can calm you down if you're stressed and it can lift you up if your down. Music can make you tap your feet even when you don't want to. Music makes you dance. Music can elicit all human emotions. Music can communicate feelings that words cannot. Music can tell you a whole story in three minutes. Music can shove you into a trance. Music can make you weep!! MUSIC!!!!!!!!! ........................ BUT>>> HOW COULD I FORGET THAT LUCIFER WAS THE CHIEF MUSICIAN IN HEAVEN???? Satan and his fallen angels make it their business to study each and every human being. They study your tastes and appetites; your inclinations and your preferences; what you love and what you hate. Therefore each and every temptation thrown your way is custom made for YOU; Manufactured and tailored with mathematical specificity. His mission; to have you as far removed from the redeeming word of God as possible. He will keep you preoccupied with mundane worldly affairs in order to keep your mind off matters of eternity. In John 10:10 Jesus says"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."Music was the key that opened the door to my heart. It made me accessible for Satan to suggest his heresies. So the devil sent me several packages; knowing that I'm in university studying a very difficult course. Often I'd be weighed down by the work load so i'd come back to my hostel all beat down and tired. Remember Satan chooses when to tempt, particularly when your guard is down. My hostel was his favourite target. My man-cave; if you wanted to know who I was all you had to do was look in there and deduce 60% of my personality. I loved Tupac; I had a big poster of him.I always felt like his message was liberating me from some kind of oppression that's been going on unabated. So I'd turn on my speakers and play me some 'Hail Mary' and that rumbling bass would sooth me till I was calm enough to start reading. I love routine, and this became the norm. But as time went by, I became desensitized. There is a phenomenon with us humans called tolerance seen right down to the cellular level of the organism. This means with time, you'd need a higher dose of your desires to produce the same rewarding effects. Adding volume to the music made no difference, and with time I started reading with the music. When that stopped working, I changed the artists.When that stopped working, I changed the playlist. When that stopped working, I changed the genre. The schoolwork became overwhelming with time and I reached breaking point. I needed a high, that music couldn't satiate... THE PLUNGE Temptation is never stronger than when relief seems to dress itself in the very sin that Satan is suggesting. So I took to drinking; I loved the disinhibition one normally feels. The world was mine.The music sounded even better when I was high! I LOVED the euphoria, and in the first three weeks of my new found habbit, I felt like superman. In the drinking, I found a new crowd; a group of disturbed youths like myself, sharing in my wrath and my delights. Some were my classmates. It felt good to have people who knew what it feels like to be angry. for the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was finally accepted, like I belonged somewhere; like a lion fitting into a pride. I felt EMPOWERED! . I partied with reckless abandon; no limits were put on my extents. However, things started to take a new turn.>>where there is drinking, there must be>>WOMEN!!!. I entertained things I shouldn't have. I used my God-given gifts and talents the wrong way. If I told you I'm handsome you'd think I'm bragging; but if I told you I'm ugly, I'd definitely be lying (sincerely speaking). I became more and more like Satan> PRIDE..... Pride was the sin that got him kicked out of heaven; the sin that turned this gorgeous angel into a cursed devil. Pride, like liquor, is intoxicating. Pride works in close companionship with other sins; in fact, pride is the herald of all other evil; everything done in darkness, every other vice is but a slave serving to please its master which is PRIDE. I became conceited as time went by. I took advantage of people. I progressively morphed into a womanizer. The phenomenon called tolerance kicked in and even a multitude of women couldn't satiate this spiritual hunger ravaging within. My heart was a bottomless pit and I was trying to fill it with all manner of junk. In all that evil, I still wasn't satisfied. I testify that all womanizers on EARTH are a bunch of insecure sissies trying to find their manhood. They are but little boys trying to convince themselves they are men without taking the tough tests that make a man. Men aren't born, they are made, through friction and hardship. The difference between a boy and a man isn't a beard; neither is it age because we have 50 year old children that refused to be men.Its not about the years of your life but the life in your years.The difference is pain and a conscious decision to take charge and be a man.....So clearly I was still a stupid boy. A man-child of sorts. A man on the outside but a boy within. That ached me..... this was added onto the list of facilitators of my addiction. In my emptiness, I sought other options.... My first puff of Marijuana. There I was once again; 21 years old and still angry. So I crossed the line. It was like loosing your virginity to that boy or girl everyone told you to stay away from. There is thrill (though short-lived) in doing something illegal, and inevitably regret sets in. In the company of my friends, after a stressful exam, I caved in to the pressure and I puffed. I coughed, then I began laughing: Never in my life did I laugh like that. I was transported to a different world! So much joy did I feel that I asked myself, "What else have you been looking for?"... I had always been angry growing up; so constricted and contained.That puff set free that insulted and neglected child that lay within. I mellowed out. little did I know that I'd spend the next couple of years chasing that first high. AHA! Like an infatuated lover in bad romance, I was in a relationship with an abusive spouse called weed. This lover made romantic promises, of ecstacy and thrills never before experienced. But she never delivered; and all I was left with was memories of our first days together. She would take me high up; and the higher you climb, the harder the fall. Each fall would be followed by a subsequent attempt to get higher, in the hope that unfathomable pleasures lay hidden in those clouds that seem ever so far out of reach. This spouse invited her sisters called nicotine and Mogoka(khat) . They became my second and third wives respectively. Every once in a while there would be domestic wrangles as to who is the one closest to my heart. With time, Nicotine became my number one. The drug most craved; a craving almost as intense as that of heroin. The more I had the more I wanted. This was the beginning of a vicious cycle that would soon be all what I was interested in. I stopped caring about everything else. My will to control myself was slowly weakened as I yielded to the power of addiction and the ecstacy it promised. Moreover, it numbed an aching spirit. It soothed the pain in my heart. The problem was, it merely treated the symptoms and left the soul as diseased as it was at first, but with gangrene. THE CAGE: Alcatraz The sudden realization that I cant walk away from my mess. Solving my issues was like disentangling a ball of yarn. Life was neither moving forward nor backwards,with the rude realization that my grades were dropping and my goals hadn't been met. I panicked when I realized I've lost 15kg . I was helplessly in shackles, a slave to an addiction beyond my control. I could feel my soul wither away, and with each puff, the chains of addiction grew stronger. I became asocial to the point my only friends were my fellow stoners. I stopped caring about women. My other desires were displaced by my desire for my drugs. I would do anything to keep my addiction. But the scariest thing about all this wasn't the fact that my health was deteriorating; It was the fact that My body LOVED what I was doing despite the negative consequences. THAT WAS SCARY... Disaster strikes when you're at the epitome of your high. The Titanic began to sink when everyone was drunk and having a Ball. The flood came when everyone was drinking and marrying. Burning sulfur and brimstone rained on Sodom and Gomorrah in the heat of sexual perversion. I began to wonder....."How long will it be before disaster strikes me? Can I do all these things without consequences?".... This conscience is itself a gift from God that keeps us errant human beings from self-destruction. The sooner you yield to it the faster your exit from the pits will be.(Romans 2:15) But everytime I tried to walk away, some new drug exploit came about. A friend would come over to my place with a whole bag of high-grade Marijuana; no stoner can say no to that. Its like winning the lottery and refusing to take your prize money. The next attempt would be rebuffed by my friends who would show up one after another each with his own kind of weed. Its as though the devil realised my growing distaste for the habbit and the low self esteem my habbit brought about. Some wise man once said The inability to delay gratification- that is the natural tendency of individuals to spend time, everything they earn plus a little bit more, and the mindset of doing what is fun, easy and enjoyable (all the time) is the primary cause of economic and personal failure in life. On the other hand, disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important , although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem and personal satisfaction. The Community of inmates. I enjoyed the company of my fellow stoners. " A brother in weed is a brother indeed" they say. We had all the time in the world. We shared alot of ideas and philosophy. I may sound controversial but I must admit there was alot of wisdom from some of these folks. In that company was a host of very creative people from all walks of life. There were Artists, Poets, Photographers, Philosophers, Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, Business people, and entrepreneurs. I have to admit not all were great people; Some were idlers having nothing to do with themselves whereas others were Zombies. Problem was they all had something aching them; an internal ache that drugs seemed to pacify but not cure. I sat down and heard the personal experiences of each and every one of them and what I learnt was quite shocking. Some had been abandoned by their families, others were embittered by life's cruelty. Some were molested as children. Some were raped. Some were pregnant. Some were jilted lovers. Some never had parents. Some were amputees. Some were failures in their careers. Some were traumatized. Some were adopted by cruel parents. Some were fatherless or motherless. Some were broke... The list of ailing souls was endless. There was one thing we ALL had in common>>>UNRESOLVED GRIEF... Such beautiful minds wasting away because of Satan's work in this world... I looked at myself and saw that other people had greater problems than my own. I realized the effect of untreated wounds. If we don't cauterize them they become infected. Satan loves doing that. He doesn't play fair. The infection spreads throughout the person. The physical symptoms are but a belated announcement of an earlier decay of the spirit. I realized if I was ever going to stop smoking, I'd have to confront the stimulus that pushed me there in the first place. I had to confront my ANGER. I had to put out this furnace of rage burning within. I had to confront the people that set it alight in the first place. That included my own family members, highschool bullies and women I was involved with. I had to confront my failures and shortcomings that made me so bitter. I plumbed my own depths to fix my broken heart. I realized how broken I was. I wept at the scale of my inward decay and I needed help. I wondered where God was in all this mess. Does He even care? what was He up to? Can He see my predicament? Can He help?.... I went down on my knees to pray for the first time in Years; not because I was in church, but because I was looking for God. I was desperate! I put aside my ego and my pride. ALAS! He answered my phone call. He didn't literally talk back, but while I was on my knees, I felt my burden lift from my heart; like someone taking a load off your shoulders. I felt an indescribable peace, as though His hand was gently placed on my shoulder. I felt His deep compassion for me... That was my turning point. My desire was now to quit... Realize this beloved;Your desire to quit a bad habbit comes not from the pressure of society, but from the realization that you'll never be at your best should you continue down that road; and that God still loves you even in your worst state; even when you hate yourself and feel worthless, God thinks you are worth dying for.... So God's love made me desire change. He loves you even when you feel like a mistake. You see your hearts deepest desire is your god; it could be an inanimate object, a person or a habbit. You would do anything for your god, even amputating your limbs without anesthesia if push comes to shove. What God does is He gradually displaces your love for your habbit with an indescribable love for Him, and with time God is your god and not your habbit. My mind was not at its sharpest when I was stoned. Neither was my fitness nor my health. To put things into perspective, I asked myself this pertinent question, and I hope you'd ask yourself the same... Would Obama have been voted president if he looked like this>>>?? Bangi Obama You are entitled to your own opinion. Personally I don't think so. Would you entrust matters of National Security,Policy, Legislation,Technology,Innovation, Justice and International Relations to a man who is drunk??? Would he handle all the pressure? Or would he just say "Chill out" when North Korea unleash a Nuclear Holocaust?.....So why should you dear druggie be trusted with peoples lives???... I dont mean to discourage you, but I'm just bringing out the source of the suspicion any drug addict receives from society. 23 years old and still stoned....I was acutely aware of my need to quit and avoidance brought me no peace. I confronted my demons. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of just sitting there, whining about my problems. When we become history, we will be judged harshly if we remain complacent. My children wouldn't care about how their father was heartbroken and didn't have enough love; all they would care about is how much did he do to get out of the mess he found himself in and how much he toiled to make sure he leaves the world a better place, and the sacrifices he gave to be a better man. Remember excuses, however valid, are ALWAYS unpleasant to the listener> excuses are like a fart to the nostrils of the recipient... Im not trivializing the grief people have gone through, and to a large extent I feel a deep compassion for these aching hearts. Healing wounds take time. They say Time is a healer,and with God on your side, nothing is impossible. Philipians 4:13 says "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." I am a living example of the power of belief. If you believe, then you can achieve. So instead of giving excuses for your failures, give reasons to succeed. Give reasons to progress. Give reasons to achieve. Give reasons to advance towards your destiny with no delays!!!.... I beg you dear reader not to procrastinate the date of your exit from whatever habbit it is you have. Procrastination is the thief of time; and while time is not on your side, the devil is working overtime to keep the chains of addiction firmly fastened around your already constricted soul. THE PRISON BREAK. Michael Scofield "I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!"; This thought perpetually rang in my mind as I walked through the hospital corridors. I had bronchitis and a chronic lung infection. Fate was finally catching up with me. Something needed to be done and I needed to exit this mess I was in. So I pictured the guy on the left. I don't mean to promote Lucifer's Hollywood propaganda but kindly allow me to use this analogy in my attempts to be as practical as possible. As an addict fed up with your own deterioration, you have to picture yourself as a prisoner attempting to break out. In order to pull off a Prison-Break (pun intended) you must be a Scofield--- Learn the Architecture of the prison; study its corridors and the patterns of the prison guards. Learn their routines. Outsmart them. It also requires patience. You need to be determined to get out of there. Wrestle with your whole heart!...Most importantly, let God lead you out as He shall. Trust God for He who promised you deliverance is faithful(Hebrews10:23) Matthew 11:28 says,"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." In Luke 4:18 Jesus says"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free."Jesus promises to bind up your broken heart because that's what took you there. Jesus promises to grant freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners( Isaiah 61:1).. ...God is the Master of prison Breaks; and so smooth is He at this trade that even the guards forsake their posts to follow him (Acts 16:16-40). The above scriptures are Trustworthy. I don't mean to court controversy here, but it is my firm belief that God spoke to me. Through vivid dreams. He wouldn't just appear, but He would show me why I was where I was and how much he loved me. The dreams were always figurative. Remember this is my personal experience and God manifests Himself differently to different people as He sees fit and according to your specific circumstances and needs. All you need to do is ASK. I was in my third year of University when my friend called Mr.Wackysam started to write a blog called Penstrokes. As I read it, I became more and more aware of Gods love. I then became more acquainted with the devils devices. I learnt how God is far more powerful than the devil. The only disadvantage He has is He cant LIE, but the devil can. Satan's favourite lies are as follows: 1) The Bible is a lie 2) Jesus Doesn't care 3) YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY. The above lies are given in order. When you fail to believe the first one, he gives you the second. If the second one doesn't convince you, then he will hurl the third in your face. Satan has always endeavoured to paint God as this angry,vengeful tyrant seated on some throne somewhere we cant reach, as though God is inaccessible or is too busy attending to greater issues like global warming and famine. The devil trivializes how important you are to God. What you need to know beloved reader is that you are precious. even the simplest of souls, even the weakest of faith trumps the devil. God's angels encamp round about those who love Him (Psalms 34:7). I refused to believe the devils lies. Nothing torments the devil than to see his former allies forsake their sinful pleasures to pursue God and His truth. A praying sinner is Satan's worst nightmare because he knows when you start praying, God begins to move on your behalf,and inevitably the devil will retreat in shame. God in all His might can manipulate events and circumstances to pull you away from your habbit. God, unlike our society, is patient and kind; full of pitying tenderness, abounding in love. He is slow to anger and full of mercy(Psalms 103:8). God is faithful and keeps his promises. There is no record in the Bible where God forsook his servants. Beloved, it is agony to quit that which you crave for and desire! God will hurt you to save you. He will pull you away from temptations even against your will if you allow him. He will stir up division between you and the negative influences in your life. But don't resist Gods plans- don't fight your best friend! don't fight the lifeguard when all he's trying to do is save you from drowning! God weans you off from your drug as an infant is weaned off breast milk. Do not doubt Gods power. Only believe and it shall be granted(Mark 11:24). So how did I sneak out? I was at my cousins place one day when I was dead broke and depressed. I was fighting my addictions and God knows I was doing my best to get out of there. My attempts had been futile and I was about to give up the fight. Everyone had given up on me. I slumped into a chair in the living room. I remember being so sad. Suddenly, a small still voice told me "look up"... when I did, the first thing that caught my eye was this poem, stuck on the wall. >> I was shocked at how accurately the poem described my predicament. I was at the right place at the right time, in the right mood for this poem to lift me up. It was totally unexpected!. I resolved not to give up the fight. I knew I was on my way out. But what was this voice? I was scared. Delighted, but scared...was I going nuts? was I loosing it?...I wasn't quite certain who that voice was, but it was trustworthy. I left my aunts place after praying to God I don't loose my senses. As I was walking down the street, I was thanking God for this new found strength. Suddenly some teenager passed me and brushed my shoulder in the process. That still voice spoke again."Read his T-shirt". I was scared, but I obeyed it anyway. The boys shirt read "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME- PHILIPPIANS 4:13"....I stopped walking. I froze in shock. I knew that very moment it was God speaking to me. I thought I was delusional but now I was certain I wasn't. I ran up to that boy and told him "Amen!". He thought I was nuts, but I told him my amen regarded the writing on his t-shirt. He smiled and walked on. I kept walking, but slowly because my mind was trying to absorb what had just happened. The Holy Spirit!!! I have a friend called Mr.Mbao who always stuck by me even when I was a mess. I shared with him my experience but he wasn't convinced of it. I got to my room, and for the first time in years, I picked up my Bible. It had gathered dust somewhere in my closet. The last time I tried to read it I kept getting some mind-block; or I'd remember I had something else to do that was far more 'Important' than reading the Bible. This time around things were quite different. I read that Bible with a sense of urgency because I knew the solution to my problems lay within those pages. I was happy reading it. I was still an addict, but there was light at the end of the tunnel. I turned the pages and reading it was so easy. It was strange how I couldn't put it down;everytime I thought I was done, the next chapter would capture my attention. In it were stories of people rescued by God. In it were episodes of God talking to people HIMSELF! In it were stories of Satan's defeat. In it was everything I needed to hear and know. However brethren, the devil never sleeps. Nor sooner had I resolved to get out of this prison than Lucifer sends me a pack of free cigarettes. My neighbours were drinking. When the devil sees you leaving this hell-bound vehicle, he doubles his efforts to ensure you remain strapped in your seat. My friends were unusually generous with their liquor that evening, infact they were insistent. Free marijuana, free cigarettes, free alcohol; just when I want to leave. I was vividly aware of the spiritual warfare in the background. I was very disturbed. I went to bed that night after thorough prayer. In the morning, that same still voice spoke in my dreams telling me to see Mr.Wackysam. I still wasn't absolutely certain of my sanity; but I contacted him anyway. I met him over coffee. We had a good laugh because we hadn't met in a while. I remember him being a born again christian ever since high school. He was married.The Lords blessings were vivid for everyone to see. I question the apprehension people have towards God or people who proclaim their faith. He was so kind, and after praying together we parted ways. I knew I was a child of God. It also occurred to me that if I was going to leave my addiction, I need a complete change of environment. In the evening, the small still voice spoke once again and told me "Go to your mother". My mother was in another town, far away from anyone I knew. School was closed and we had two weeks off. I arrived at her place, and I knew I had to stay without a cigarette or blunt for the next 24hours. I had to try. This was it. It was now or never. I had to stay within that compound without leaving for the nearest shop to buy anything. I told my mother my intentions and she prayed for me. Prayer was the one drug that was in heavy supply over here. This was going to be the longest week of my life.... So I began the long exodus out of this Egypt of addiction..... THE TASTE OF FREEDOM! The Shawshank redemption 24 hours and my head didn't explode. I was alive though agitated. I was determined to get out because I knew the next time a window such as this one would present itself would be a long time to come. So I dared go 48 hours without smoking anything. In the second day, pleasant memories of my childhood came to mind. I wasn't born holding a cigarette; but the slavery makes you forget who you really are and where you came from. I knew I was going to make it! I felt rewarded for my efforts, enough to push 72 hours without smoking... On the third day, I went down on my knees and praised God and worshiped Him for I knew I was a free man. I was dancing everywhere! I was so excited. The cravings were finally gone! I could smell the fresh air. I was free at last! The Bible says He who the son sets free is free indeed!(John 8:36). I've been free of addiction for 19 months now. Beloved reader, God loves us filthy, wretched human beings: even the pornstars, the racists,drug dealers, thieves, rapists,pedophiles,anarchists,atheists,narcisists,politicians, and the like. Romans 6:14 says" Sin will not have dominion over you." If you fear you are worthless and too far into the darkness, remember there is no sin too large that God cannot forgive, because nothing can seperate you from the love of God (Romans 8:31).God wishes to have each and every one of us in His loving arms in Heaven and on earth. God accepts your weak faith. So willing is He to set you free that all heaven wonders why we never ask for help; the angels above are perturbed by our indifference. Heaven is open for business 24/7. Your Heavenly Father is so eager to care for you that while you are timidly asking for a nibble of peace and joy,He is LONGING for you to open your mouth wide so He can fill it!!! THAT IS TRUE LOVE my dear brothers and sisters. God is worthy of praise and worship. When you are sick and tired of your habbit, remember God was waiting on you the whole time for you to seek Him for help. Therefore approach the throne of Grace confidently so that you may find mercy and recieve grace to help you in your time of need( Hebrews 4:16). God is currently in the process of fixing my underlying diseases; Im no longer so angry. Every once in a while I share Gods word with those still in captivity. and so far I confess that turning to Him was by far the Best decision I ever made in my life.... I only hope that you do too. There is Hope for you brethren; The Lord is Mighty to save. There is Hope for you, His name is Jesus Christ our Lord and saviour.(1 Peter 3:18). May Grace and Peace be upon you.